I catch myself in patterns of negotiation from time to time.
“It’s just a couple beers on a Monday. Loosen up.”
“You can write tomorrow.”
“What’s a few more chocolate chips.”
Who am I negotiating with? It’s an interesting question if you sit with it.
It’s not some kinder, gentler side of me practicing self-love, much as I might try to convince myself of that.
We’re negotiating with our commitments.
Commitments that were likely made when we were in a better head space; when we had more clarity over who we are and who we’re becoming.
Here’s why that’s a problem.
Our identities are created by the evidence of the past.
I am someone who works out, because I have ample evidence from the past that has shaped my identity into being someone who works out. Repeat a thing enough times and that thing is woven into how you perceive yourself.
So what happens to our identity when we’re constantly negotiating ourself out of our commitments?
We become someone we can’t trust. Think about it.
If you had a colleague that was constantly negotiating themselves out of the commitments they’ve made to you, would you trust them?
Of course not. Over time you would learn to work around them and not depend on them for anything. They’d be the person that constantly over-promises and under-delivers, and no one wants to work with that person.
We can’t feel confident and grounded in our own skin if we can’t trust ourselves.
And that’s the rub.
We think we’re negotiating some gentler version of ourselves in the short-term, but what we’re really doing is borrowing from our future trust and confidence in ourselves.
Our confidence begins where our negotiations end.
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Adam Griffin